Weirdly Delicious

Academy Award Winner, Graham Moore last night spoke about his suicide attempt at the age of 16 and always feeling different. I nodded my head in acknowledgement. There were lots of head nods and clapping last night. Many people agreed with him and understood him. What I wonder is how many people have really felt rejected and misunderstood?

Now, I won’t sit here and say that I’ve been ostracized, but many times I’ve not felt acknowledged. This feeling dates back to when I was a child. I grew up in a home where children were seen and not heard. I know this is one of the reasons that I struggle as a parent. My children are seen and definitely heard. I didn’t develop my voice until I was an adult.

I was never the prettiest, nor the smartest or even the sturdiest. I was clumsy, shy and lacked confidence. I didn’t have many girl friends growing up because there was always some drama. You know get a group of women together and something’s going to get started. I always hung out with guys. Men are easy. They either liked me, not necessarily as a girlfriend, more like a little sister or they didn’t. I was always the fifth wheel when I hung out with my girl cousins. My fashion wasn’t quite right, my hair was never right. I have long hair, always have and every woman who has ever met me or been my friend has always had something negative to say about it. I learned it comes with the territory.

I’ve never been hip, it’s always like the person who tries to hard. I gave up. I don’t have swag, sex appeal or any of those things that my friends have. What I do have is a large vocabulary that I like to flex regularly. However, it always seems to escape me that I’ve missed some cultural anthem that everyone is fixated on. Words, songs, clothes, dances you name it, I’ve probably missed it.

In reality, Graham Moore is right. It’s okay to be different, to celebrate who you are through your individual expressionist means. There are those that like colorful hairstyles, tattoos or body modifications. None of that works for me because as a professional I would never be hired. However, my quirkiness is expressed through the things I care about, such as causes and issues. I’ve been ridiculed and called  a bleeding heart liberal as if it’s some sort of cancer that needs to be eradicated off the planet. Whatever, I always say. Although, its difficult to walk a lonely path, however if my heart tells me its the right one, I’d rather be alone.

As a writer I spend lots of time alone creating worlds and situations that spring forth from my brain. No one understands my passion for writing, why I love Politics the way that I do or volunteer as much as I do. Graham Moore reminded me that I am special, no matter how weird, different or lonely that I feel. It’s okay because people like us bring dimensions, color and variety to the world. To all who’ve felt odd or off there’s a place for you. Seek it out and claim your space.

Ignorance is Bliss

My mini rant for the day. Winter Break, Easter Break and snow days are tools of the devil that torment parents. Too much time, over stimulated kids, too much energy in my children all contribute to my breakdown. With the cold, snow and my to do list, it’s been hard to keep up with my kids. It’d be different, if I could send them outside to play, not, it’s too cold. Can’t go to the library, it’s closed. My to do list today is long and has two meetings on it. So what is a Momma to do? I’m throwing my arms up because no matter what I do, my children don’t listen.

Case in point, the other night I tossed and turned in numerous attempts to get some sleep. My husband slept soundly beside me. Every five minutes some little person kept shouting out Mommy to annoy me. At first it was Daddy, but Daddy ignored them and slept soundly. I on the other hand heard every sound emanating from their room. After several attempts to get them to quiet down, I gave up. There’s only so much energy that I can expend.

Last night, it was Deja Vu all I heard was the TV. Suffice it to say, I’m tired and still busy. With the weather it’s been hard to take the kids places because its been so frigid. Prayerfully, things will get better later this week. Originally, I had some things planned for the kids, however my plans didn’t work out. There are still three more days left in the week. I have to get it together. My husband says “Take it one day at a time and learn to ignore them. They’re fine.”

My girlfriend yesterday reiterated the same message. That I have to learn to ignore and get my discipline game face on. She watched me struggle with my oldest yesterday and become completely flustered by him. It wasn’t pretty, however its my reality.

My reality, my problem, I’ll have to learn how to deal with this. Maybe once I figure it out, I’ll be able to write a book disclosing all my secrets. People say how this is such a wonderful time and that I should just enjoy it. That may all be true, however no one ever talks about how difficult and frustrating being a parent can be. Ignorance is bliss when you don’t know.

Nails vs. Rubber Gloves

Each and every day mothers have to make choices based on time and task filled agendas. Many of you don’t have to worry about “If I get my nails done, do I have time to run to the store and pickup a pair of rubber gloves to wash dishes with”. You’re probably thinking how difficult is it to do both? There in lies the conundrum. How much time do you have? If you only have 30 minutes for your nail appointment then, you’re probably going to feel rushed the entire time that you’re out. Instead of the relaxing feeling that you were going for.

So do you forgo some much-needed pamper time and simply run to the store, managing tasks and running errands, only to return home still feeling depleted. This is a  mother’s problem. A lot of mothers make the choice to take care of everyone else, children, husbands and ailing parents. Whose there for mothers? Outside of the fact that Mothers get a holiday, many women might have to wait an entire year before they get a day to have some quality pamper “me” time.

So what does a mother do? I know for me personally because my hands are always in water, cleaning up messes, scrubbing dishes, washing clothes, and trying to keep my own hands germ free, my nails take quite a beating. Most days I’m desperately trying to keep a nail that has chipped or cracked. I’ve touched up nail polish so many times that you begin to see the numerous lines of color repeated over and over on the same spot. The nail polish raised so high, if I hit it simply flakes off. So again, what do you do? Do I go and get my nails done or go pick up a another pair of rubber gloves because my current pair has a rip in them. Keep in mind sleep deprivation, mommy’s always needed for something, the unending lists of errands and tasks and not enough time in the day make it difficult to do the things necessary for myself.

There are dishes, clothes and children that need to be cleaned. So today the rubber gloves win out over my nails. I’ll just paint another coat of polish across my nails. Another day won’t hurt. Besides my youngest is in the cleaning cabinet making a mess…Uh oh, I really need those rubber gloves now…

The Not So Sexy Side of Motherhood

Jogging pants, yoga pants, large t-shirts and robes are a mother’s best couture staples. Ponytails are also a staple. For me it was always  bun, now its a wrapped scarf. No dirt, food, snot, poop or pee can damage them. All new mothers learn very quickly that whatever is most comfortable for you to wear, you literally begin to live in that. Forget showers and grooming, kids take away time. Every mother adjusts, however most will say showers are a luxury. For me showers are a necessity even if I have to shower in front of an audience, like I’m a peep show exhibit in Amsterdam.

My couture staple is extra-large jogging pants with a big shirt and sweatshirt over it. I substituted my big blue fluffy robe because my husband complained. Now he groans about the sweatshirt, I just ignore him. A woman can only take so much. I’m sleep deprived and for me to really look nice, it takes an effort. I need a corset, moisturizer, make-up to cover up my under eye bags, a long hot shower, comfortable loose-fitting clothing and accessories to even get a semblance of the appearance of nice.

Being a Mom has taken away all my glamour. Often when I get glammed up, I’m usually exhausted  by the time I’m dressed. And I always wear the same thing, something dark. I have several white suits, which beckon me, however I will not wear them for fear that a little person will muck them up before I get to where I’m going.

It would be great if some designer would invent sexy yoga and jogging pants. The problem is once you’ve had a kid everything sags, hangs and has moved. It’s hard to know where or how you used to be when you were cute. Pregnancy is hard on boobs, butt, and you’re midsection. Then add multiple pregnancies and everything deteriorates so much quicker.

My problem is that I’m tired and rushing, which is often. Jogging pants and a shirt are so easy to do. In the summer i have my go to sandals. In the winter it’s more work because I have to put on boots, however layering in my sweats is so comfy.

I know that I should take time and dress up, but it’s so darn hard. There’s only so much time in the day. And everyone always needs something. I’m trying to do better, especially adding my jewelry back into the mix. Since my children are not so much into the grabbing phase, I can wear some jewelry again. Baby steps, I have to remind myself. So the next time you see a mother in very casual clothes, don’t judge. Support her by giving her a compliment, it’s probably been a while since she received one.  And if you see a mother dressed up, compliment her because you never know when she might do that again.

The 24 hour Mama: Somebody Always Needs Me

Being a Mom is a busy job from dawn to dusk and sometimes you’re even needed during the midnight hour. I never imagined that life would be this hectic and change so much with the addition of children to our family. The difference from one child to multiple children makes an even bigger difference in how families achieve balance. From infancy adapting to a sleep schedule, feeding schedule, teaching, guiding and directing them in the ways of being happy, smart, well-adjusted people to toddler, and growing into big kids to teenagers and so on. It’s overwhelming to say the least.

Last night after proudly announcing to my family that I would retire at 12:30 (because I recently discovered Jimmy Fallon, don’t judge me. I’ve been up to my eyeballs with kids for the last six years) which is early for me. At a quarter to 5am I was awakened by the sound of my youngest son rousing from a nightmare. The tone of his cry and the intensity let me know that it was probably a night terror. I went to his room and he was not tucked into his bed. Instead he was downstairs asleep on the couch. No biggie, I thought the boys are camped out downstairs in the living room. However, to my surprise my oldest was still awake watching TV. Yes, at 5am! He’d been up all night. Daddy was fast asleep on the couch, oblivious to it all.

I ushered the boys off to bed. Now I was awake, unable to sleep, I began to clean. My husband woke up and was like what are you doing? “I’m cleaning I responded because I can’t go back to sleep,” I stayed awake for the next 2 hours doing a variety of menial tasks throughout my house. An example, I changed the battery in my bathroom clock that had stopped. I accomplished quite a bit, however it still did not tire me out.

This is my plight I sleep a few hours each day never fully receiving the restorative rest that I need to function. I’m consistently exhausted, depressed, frustrated and short with everyone. During the night-time some little person will escape their bed and make a request just as if its daytime. I’ve taken care of sick, scared, needy and overstimulated children. It’s exhausting. Feeding, diapering, playing, etc. is so much more than what people tell you to expect.

A woman told me a long time ago that she would take a weekend at a hotel by herself, minus the family so that she could recharge her batteries. I’m going to have to do the same thing so that I don’t just completely breakdown, because unfortunately someone will always need me. My children are young and they have many needs, however so do I require a minimum of 8 hours of sleep to feel like myself. Hindsight is 20/20. If I knew what I know now, I would have married a wealthy man who could afford a nanny because all mothers need one. There are people who will tell you that they don’t however, everybody needs some help. I know I sure do. Being on call all day is exhausting….