Living in Fear

I’ve kept my kids close because of the shooting at Oxford high school. It is too close to home for me and increased my anxiety for my children.

The shooting at Oxford high school left my children afraid to go to school. My oldest son’s classmate joked about shooting someone, and of course the class told on him. It is ridiculous to believe that any one would consider this an opportunity to joke around. My sons have both expressed fear and discussed their feelings on lockdown school drills. They always made light of the fact that the kids in their classes never cooperated with the teacher’s instructions. Laughter, giggling and talking always accompanied the scheduled drills and the teacher reminded the kids that they needed to be quiet to remain safe, As a parent this grieves me and yet this is a permanent part of life now. We have to prepare our children for the worst because the potential for disaster is great. Moreover, an additional layer of stress is added because my children are Black and tall for their ages. My  thirteen year old is nearly six feet tall along with his younger brother who is stair steps away from him in height, The frenzy of the people carrying guns everywhere and claiming their right to bear arms is unsettling and terrifying especially in light of the Rittenhouse trial. No matter the fact that he was a minor whose mother drove him across state lines with a gun and he murdered two people and maimed a third, society excused his behavior. Not unlike Zimmerman, society exoneratd his behavior and even with cellphone and body cam  video we have people who are killed during an interaction with police, It used to be that home was safe yet, when Botham Jean was murdered in his home by a racist cop our sense of security was ripped away again. A gun on its own can be dangerous, but in the hands of someone unstable, angry or racist it can have serious implications for people. I worry about the looks that people flash  toward my sons because they are so tall and people believe that they are older then they really are. My oldest is barely a teenager and he’s often confused for a sixteen or seventeen year old. It’s maddening to think that so many things that we see and hear are issues, like racism  that should no longer exist. Unfortunately hate is still in full force along with fear. I don’t know what caused the shooting, there is nothing that can excuse this atrocity; however, even if it was bullying the signs were there and someone should have intervened to help that young man. Four students are no longer here because people didn’t act and that saddens me, and worries me because too many children have been lost to guns, school shootings and violent police encounters and people casually write this off as just another part of life. I don’t want to live in fear although society has made it increasingly difficult for me not to live in an anxious state. I hold my children closer and worry a little more, but I’ll keep my faith in God that he will provide protection for us. Don’t live in fear,  ground yourself in God and strengthen your faith in him each day. Life is too unpredictable to not stay in his presence. 

 

 

WHere is your Joy?

I don’t know about you, but it has been a struggle for me to find my joy. The pandemic and isolation has pushed me to the edge, although I’m changing my tune. I can no longer give the pandemic the energy that it has robbed me of; I must take my power back. I want to feel hope and joy again. “Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” Marianne Williamson

Do you recognize the good things in your life? If I’m being honest it’s a lot easier to complain about what you don’t have rather than be grateful for the things that you do have. Sometimes in life we get so busy trying to acquire, accomplish, or achieve a goal that we lose sight of our blessings and what’s really important.

Only you can determine what’s important to you, different people equals different blessings. There is no right or wrong to determine what’s important. Most people will state their family, children, spouse, job, relationship with Christ are what matters to them. You may agree or disagree, it’s okay. What is important is that you identify what matters to you. My children, my husband, my friends, my gifts and my relationship with God are all things that I value. Honestly for me, I’m learning that my joy is important. The way that I view myself and what I enjoy doing are all part of that equation.

Identify what brings you joy, it is important. Don’t listen to the naysayers who state that you’re being selfish. You are not. It is vitally important to your mental well-being.

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I’m Stronger than Depression

I suffer from depression, yet I’m stronger than my condition. Depression is a mental condition, It is defined as an unending sadness, depressed mood, or a loss of interest in activities that once were pleasurable, which includes problems with sleep. Since the birth of my second son, I have struggled with depression, although it began as postpartum depression. Depression is an insidious condition that infects everything that it touches. It forces the affected person to withdraw and that is depression’s greatest weapon: loneliness.

Loneliness, withdrawal and avoidance are common hallmarks that indicate there may be a problem in someone’s life. For me personally, it was easy to disappear into the woodwork because I had children and would often use them as an excuse to not do something. Afterwards, I’d be angry with myself yet, there was this constant loop of negative criticism in my brain. The little voice in my head belittled everything I did or wanted to do. I would never measure up. I’m not good enough. No one loves me. My life is a waste. My kids are better off without me. If you have ever heard these sayings in your head or said them to yourself don’t fret you’re not alone. 6.7% of adults aged 18 and older wlll experience some form of depression and 40 million people will be diagnosed with depression in the United States according to the National Institutes of Mental Health.

Depression is difficult, however it can be defeated with therapy, medication, and other tools that can enhance your life. Personally for me, exercise, prayer and support from family and friends helped me to get through my diagnosis. Initially, I was diagnosed with high functioning anxiety. My anxiety pushed me to overthink which fueled my depression and the negative Nancy that lived rent-free in my head.

My therapist posed a question to me, He said, “What do you do for yourself?” After I cried for forty-five minutes to him about how I was a terrible person and a horrible mother he insisted that I was exhausted. I was tired beyond anything that I had ever reasonably known, yet, I was unable to provide an answer to his question, I no longer remembered or knew what I enjoyed doing because I had become used to doing everything that my kids and husband wanted to do. I had lost myself to the job of wife and mother.

My therapist suggested that I go for a walk each day for twenty minutes to get a breather away from my children. That daily twenty minute walk turned into a five mile walk that became my salvation. Whatever happened earlier in the day, the stress, the tantrums, whatever it was, I was able to pound it out on the pavement underneath the steps of my feet. Later, Covid-19 reared its ugly diseased head. Boom. We were instructed to shelter safely at home and the pandemic became a global concern. Different states launched varying initiatives to fight the virus. People argued over whether wearing a mask was the right thing to do. Between the political vitriol and the Covid confusion, I hunkered down at home with my family. At first, it was great then as time went on, the loneliness set in and just like that depression popped up. “Like I’m back.”

I remembered thinking I read my bible, I pray, I walk and am eating better, yet there was an uncertainty that frightened me. I was afraid of never being able to see people or go places like I used to. I’d watch people share places on social media that they had been and how they desperately wanted to get back there. Saddened, I often wondered will I ever be able to see these places or is this it? Theoretically, I knew the world would open again, however realistically it didn’t seem possible. Holidays and weekends passed by without family and friends to visit. It was difficult because I love to be surrounded by people. Although, there are times that I cherish my alone time the extended lockdown was having a toll on me, I started emotionally eating again and gained more weight while I stopped walking. I knew it was my anxiety in regards to the pandemic turning itself into depression, but instead of denying it, I announced it. “It’s back,” I said. “I’ve got to work hard or I’ll tumble right down the rabbit hole into the abyss of darkness.

If you struggled in the past or are struggling now, know that there is hope after depression. This is a difficult season indeed, however this is not the time to give up or give in. Many times the thoughts in our brains are buried deep inside of our ourselves. These beliefs are often a belie to the truth thet exists within us, yet we ignore the truth and believe the lie. I’ve learned that many times we tell ourselves falsehoods to protect ourselves from pain. It is easy to create a buffer to protect oneself from feeling whatever we don’t want to feel, however when we don’t, we set up false beliefs within ourselves.

To live at our highest and healthiest self we must identify the lies within us and replace them with the truth. Often we become enslaved to the bitter trauma that we’ve experienced and never gotten past. Today take a moment and shut the negative loop down in your brain. Life is hard, yet life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured. Check with your local community health department for therapy and counseling options. Psychologists and licensed professional counselors are excellent options for talk therapy. They can work with you to plan a course of action to set you on a path to healing. Medication if needed can aid in your recovery. Exercise and better nutrition choices helped me to come out of the darkness. Prayer did, too. Studying the word and reconnecting with God through prayer helped me, also.

Reframing and capturing a negative thought is important. Try not to dwell on a bad thought. When we focus on the negative we are often trapped in a cycle of thought multiplication. Meaning one negative thought leads to another gloomy thought and then another one. The next thing you know you’re trapped in a vicious cycle of pessimistic thoughts. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5 “Capture every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” Take it from me, I’ve learned that when I allow Defeatist Daphne to take my negative thoughts and play them back to back and jumble them up, I’ll be plunged into sadness which can lead to depression. Yet when I replace the defeatist thoughts with the truth, hope and joy fills my being.

For those that struggle with depression, hope and joy can seem so far away. Although when we focus our thoughts we can experience the peace that we seek. God our father in heaven instructs us to focus on things above and not below. Fix your minds on him and his blessings in your life. You are stronger than depression. Stop believing the lies of the enemy. Reframe, capture and replace your thoughts from negative into positive ones. If you need talk therapy, seek it out and get help. There is hope and you are stronger than depression.

Travel is Freedom and my Peace

Travel is freedom and in travel, I find peace, which is important for my mental health. I struggle with depression and often the pressures of life push me to the edge. Ever since I was a kid travel often brought relief to whatever stress I was feeling. Flying and sitting on a beach were everything to me. The gentle hum and crash of the waves against a beach brought peace and contentment to my soul. There was no better salve for my mental health than listening to the sounds of ocean.

Each beach I’ve visited has a unique vibration which I likened to a melody in a song. The Virgin Islands are vastly different than the beaches of Hawaii. Even Mexico’s beaches has its own rhythm. I am excited to test my theory when I have the opportunity to visit the motherland in Africa. I’m certain that there is a unique pulse to the beaches in Europe just as in the diversity of ethnicities and nations.

My second favorite part of travel is the opportunity to discover a new culture and learn something new. Just like beaches, people have a unique beat to them. I’m always amazed at what I can learn from a simple conversation. Each place that I’ve visited left me with wonderful memories and lessons. I’d never understand the relaxed nature of Hawaiians unless I visited, nor the incredible work ethic of Jamaicans. Although it became a punch line there is a real and valid reason for why Jamaicans work so hard. Hawaiians have very similar work ethics because it is very expensive to live in Hawaii.

Travel expanded my view of the world. Recently, I’ve followed Jessica Nabongo on social media. She’s the first Black women to travel to every country in the world. What an amazing feat. It’s been a dream of mine to do the exact same thing, yet life has not always cooperated with my vision for my life. Work, children, a spouse and family responsibilities make travel tricky and planning cumbersome. Although, I chose these things, there are days when I daydream of a life living abroad. For now, I’ll experience my thrill of travel vicariously through her experiences and adventures.

That dream is far off because my kids are still young, however it’s not out of the realm of reality. If the pandemic has taught me anything it should be that circumstances can change in an instant. What was once certain can become a ball of confusion. I’m only limited to what my mind can conceive and I have a very fertile imagination. Travel is still a part of my plan. Whatever you are passionate about follow that. Whatever brings you peace seek that. Whatever gives you fulfillment find it and execute it well. Life is too short to live on the sidelines and have regrets. My passion is travel. What’s yours?

(1619-2020) I’m Tired

For the last few weeks, it’s been wall to wall coverage of Ahmaud Arberry’s murder on film, COVID – 19, the nation under quarantine, the senseless murder of Breonna Taylor due to a no-knock warrant, and the excruciating video of George Floyd’s death by a white police officer. I’m tired it is exhausting trying to make sense of everything that is happening and at the same time protecting my mental well being. Besides, I have two sons, a husband that I constantly worry about. Never mind the fact that my non-black friends have discussed their feelings and concerns and again it’s exhausting trying to explain why things are the way they are. 

Deep into the quarantine, I was struggling with remote learning for my kids and the devastating numbers of Covid-19’s impact on the Black community and then I saw the video of Ahmaud Arberry being hunted down like a dog and shot and killed by two racists while another cowardly racist filmed the whole encounter. Rage, anger, frustration, and fear filled me. Fear not for me, but my children. I was worried an experience in Grosse Pointe would become more common. My friend lives in Grosse Pointe and when the weather permits we go to the marina and hang out by the pool. A couple of years ago, we visited the marina and changed clothes in the locker room. There’s a sign that instructs all visitors to shower before you enter the pool. My husband described the incident where my husband said he had our oldest son take a shower before he and the boys joined us in the pool. Keep in mind we all had taken a shower before we left home. Afterward, another boy attempted to take a shower, however, he was interrupted by his father who proceeded to spray the shower down as if my son had a disease. His disease was being black. Unfortunately, this is the norm for many African-Americans when we enter majority-white spaces. Normally, I would have said I’m not going to worry about a dumb racist, although current events have made me more concerned. I have boys and I worry about what happens if I allow them to go into a locker room or bathroom by themselves. Will someone harm them or try and intimidate them because they are black? The answer is quite frankly, I don’t know.

A few weeks later, Breonna Taylor was murdered in her own home because of a no-knock warrant. Again rage, anger, and frustration filled me. My grandmother before she died was served a no-knock warrant on her residence by Detroit Police. Was she a drug dealer? No, it was the wrong address! She had lived in her house for over fifty years and what was once a working-class neighborhood had been devastated by drugs and crime. My grandmother’s well-manicured house stood out against the other two houses on her side of the block. Across the street was wide open vacant land. Like clockwork, my elderly grandmother was watching her stories (soap operas) when she heard something. She got up and walked to her dining room which sat outside of the door to the foyer, which led to the front door. As she entered the dining room, police officers dressed in full armor and tactical gear with guns drawn burst into her house and forced her to sit down after they broke down her door with a battering ram. 

At the time, my job required me to travel a lot and I wasn’t in town when the incident occurred. Upon my return, I called my grandmother to check-in to see how she was doing and she informed me of what happened. I hit the roof. I was pissed. How dare the police scare my grandmother like that especially since she had survived two strokes and a bout with cancer? She was a tax-paying, law-abiding citizen. To add insult to injury the house that should’ve been raided was next door and the entire family had complained for years about this eyesore. Moreover, they left her door damaged without repair. I called some friends in our local government to make inquiries as to how I would get justice for my grandmother. Afterward, I received a call from a Deputy Officer who apologized profusely, vowed to correct my grandmother’s wood door and her security door, and promised an investigation. At the end of the day my grandma’s doors were fixed and the report that was given to me said that the department would stand by the warrant because the informant had purchased drugs and said he lived at my grandmother’s house. So for all the great police work that is often seen this was bungled because this guy never lived at my grandmother’s and while resources, manpower, and hours were wasted searching my grandmother’s house and nothing was found, the perpetrators got to see Detroit’s finest at work. If you research warrants and raids you will learn what I learned is that too many times police arrive at the wrong house because a number is reversed or a street name is spelled wrong. Breonna deserves justice especially since the guy that they were looking for was already in custody and did not live at her address. 

If you believe that I’m being harsh on law enforcement let me clarify something for you. I have a very close friend who is a former cop, a cousin who is a DPD officer, and my father worked at the Sheriff’s department, later he would graduate from law school and represent Walter Budzyn, a police officer in Detroit’s infamous Malice Green trial. I know all too well as I listened and watched my father during that case discuss the blue wall and police brutality. I’m tired. 

My parents raised me like so many other African-American kids. We were instructed that we had to do well, work twice as hard as everyone else, get an education, remember whose child I am and I better not embarrass my family by doing something stupid or criminal. There was no tolerance for that. We traveled and I had all kinds of wonderful experiences that helped mold me into the person that I am today, yet it seems like it’s still not enough. I can tell you how I had to fight for my reputation at a national non-profit agency that made accusations against me along the lines of race and when my non-black friend was given a memo which instructed her to not be my friend because I was black. I’m tired and yes, that same non-black individual is still my friend to this day. My degree, the boards that I serve on, my morals, my Christianity and my ability to write books and tell stories does not protect me from my country’s racism. 

The murder of George Floyd encapsulated all of my feelings, rage, anger, frustration, and sadness. Eight minutes and forty–six seconds of murder live on television, yet let’s not forget that ‘45 while campaigning to be president said he could kill a person live on television in the middle of New York City and no one would do anything. I hope the protests show him that he was wrong. If a black cop did that to a white man he would have been shot dead. Now it’s all about tearing down George Floyd and building a case that justifies murdering him in the street the way that the police did. My father always said to me everyone deserves to have their day in court and to be heard by their peers. George Floyd will never get that day in court. 

America is changing and it’s sad to see how many racist people are all around this country. How many people are fine with what happened and are openly trying to justify it, yet, I feel sorry for them because one of their own, a white seventy-five-year-old man was brutally knocked down and now conspiracy theorists are spinning tales to absolve themselves of basic compassion for their fellow human. The writing is on the wall and it’s in full view for everyone to see. The way that law enforcement polices us (meaning all Americans, not just Black people, but especially Black People) in this country has to change. I’m not sure what’s next, however, I do know that nationally and globally people have come together in a way that only God could bring them together. Yes, there are rioters and looters. There will always be opportunists, however, God is gathering his people together, “His winnowing fork is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clear His threshing floor, and He will gather His wheat into the barn, but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” Matthew 3:12 

Destruction is coming for those who do wrong. We see it every time a racist is revealed. They lose their contracts or business. Proverbs 22:2 “The rich and the poor have a common bond, The Lord is the maker of them all.”

Proverbs 22:22-23 Do not rob the poor because he is poor, Or crush the afflicted at the gate; 23For the Lord will plead their case And take the life of those who rob them.

Let’s come together, fight for what’s right, and vote. Use your voice it’s your greatest weapon. 

From Feeling Disconnected to Peace of Purpose

Feeling disconnected?  Check. Feeling Overwhelmed? Check. Feeling anxious? Check. Feeling Hopeless?  Check. We’re approaching week four of the pandemic and a lot of people that I talk to are feeling one or more of the above ways. The uncertainty is palpable and the unknown is just that, it is unknown. No one knows when “normal” will resume or if it ever can.

Danger lurks around every populated corner. The mere thought of being around people brings on anxiety and fear. The battle with Covid-19 reminds me of the tragic Greek figure, Sisyphus. He was forced to push a stone up a hill only to have it descend as he got close to the top. That’s the battle with not only the pandemic, but it’s also the challenge of remote learning, managing day to day stress and household activities and tasks along with work while staying connected to loved ones. We’re always trying to get to the top, but never quite making. It feels as if we make progress, yet we have to start all over again.

It’s a lot to deal with and even amidst all that is going on or not going on, there is still peace to be found in all of it. What is peace? Is it when everything is going well or all of your boxes line up? No, peace is something that happens on the inside of us. It’s the calm in our spirit even when the kids are going bonkers in the house or the work projects keep multiplying, and even when the number of who has died continues to increase. Peace is stillness and calm within us, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillippians 4:7

The world tells us that we need to be plugged in and connected all the time, which takes us away from the things that truly matter, God, family, friends, and using our talents, skills, and gifts for the betterment of others. Right now, we have the opportunity to slow down and reconnect. I have a friend who is a hairstylist and also she is trained in fashion design. Mia can sew anything and she took that skill and turned it into a new business, making masks. Now because of Covid-19 and the Governor urging people to wear masks now hers are in high demand. Another community organizer that I know is organizing people online and using technology to effectively engage and reach people.  Zoom calls have become the new way to meet and communicate. It’s also become a great way to create online social media content.

Now the new concern is that there are no breaks or separation from work. We’re always connected. This is how the world operates. We’re pushed from one thing to another. We have to be intentional in silencing the noise and being mindful. This is the opportunity where we just stop and be quiet for a moment, even if it’s only for sixty seconds. It’s a moment to stop and reassess what is happening and adjust ourselves.  Don’t get caught up in the wave of apprehension with what is happening with the pandemic. Focus on the moment, connect with God and open your bible. Listen to what God is trying to tell us and settle into his peace of purpose.

Gratitude in Times of Trouble, The Kim B. Davis Show, Episode 1. part 1 (Transcription)

The Kim B. Davis Show

Gratitude in Times of Trouble

A Talk with A.M. May & Associates, Inc.

Part One

KBD:  Welcome to the Kim B. Davis Show! We are talking today with Dr. Angela Celeste May and Michelle May of A.M. May & Associates, a coaching and consulting organization offering customized transformative growth strategies for individuals and organizations. Angela and Michelle are sisters who are both also professional musicians with their own bands.

How are you both today?

MM:  Fantastic. Thanks for having me.

ACM:  Really happy to be here today.

KBD:  Great! We are in the midst of a crisis and I wanted to talk about some of the things that you guys talk about, which is not falling prey to anxiety and depression. Can you give a definition on anxiety and depression and talk about how do we turn negativity into positivity? Many people are feeling depressed, anxious and apprehensive and they’re making bad decisions. I want to talk about hope. Even though we are in quarantine, we are safe at home. We have all the things that make us comfortable. But the one thing we don’t have is human touch. Many of us miss our friends and family but we can touch them with electronic devices, cell phones, but how do we take care of ourselves?

ACM:  I’ll jump in and start. I’m a clinical organizational and forensic psychologist with a Ph.D. in Clinical Organizational Psychology. So, I deal with behavior from a lot of different perspectives. My own definition. I would say depression is more than feeling a little down sometimes, it’s when tangible sadness tends to follow you no matter what you do. It can be a little bit or become a lot of sadness. So that’s a quick simple way to think of depression, a pervasive “down-ness” no matter what you do. And the anxiety can feel like nervousness, even when you don’t have a specific reason. You’re in your home and feel a nervousness and you quite can’t figure out why. I would say one of the first important things to do is try to practice thankfulness. I do find that depression in particular, a lot of the time it grows because of our self-talk. And in this particular time of the pandemic, a lot of the anxiety is because we feel like we don’t have control. I would say the first place to start is “What can I do to take back feelings of powerless?” and find positive things you can do, and just like you said, Kim, say, “I’m safe, I have a home, etc.” As our grandma used to say, “You can’t be depressed and thankful at the same time.” [laughs]

MM:  Amen! Amen! So I’ll jump in here, too. What I would say is, the sense of control is definitely what I find in depression and nervousness. There’s something there intangible you can’t see that’s making you feel this way. One of the things I talk to my clients about and my students that helps is that you’re not completely out of control. There are many things right in your purview that you can control. Many times—and I was actually experiencing  this a couple of days ago—I was talking to Angie when all of a sudden I started to feel a little bit like I couldn’t breathe. She said, “Sometimes when you’re excited, it mimics anxiety.” We talked about meditation, stopping for a minute, sitting down and just putting your mind and mindfulness on that breathing. Sometimes you just need to stop and just do that. There is a popular method, the 54321 method and how it works is that you look at things, you can see things, you can feel things. Ask the person having anxiety: “What are 5 things that you can see and stop for a minute. Then, “Name 4 things that you can touch, 3 things you can hear right now, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.” Gratefulness…Angie and I always talk about that. You can feel those things and it helps to quell that in the moment.

KBD:  Those are some great tips. So, we’re all quarantined in our homes, you have married couples. What do you advise people to do if someone in your home is feeling anxious? Access to control and not being able to go places?

ACM:  There are things that family members can do for each other before even reaching out for help. You know how we say don’t overexplain when talking to kids? You know how we create a whole book about how we’re going to explain things to Junior and all Junior wanted to know was something simple right quick? [laughs] I think that we should do the same with each other as adults. First, just ask. Give them room to talk about what may be bothering them. Is it about being quarantined together or some aspect of that, or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Ask and listen. That might be healing, just knowing that someone is listening. It’s loving, it’s supportive. We’ve all experienced this. I’m sure you have as well. You know how it is when you start to talk? You may get a little insight just from having room to talk. That’s what I think of as a first step.

MM:  I would definitely agree with that. Just be reassuring and not judgmental. There’s going to be a lot of stress an depression and anxiety within the household because we are not in our routines. Especially with our young ones, they’re used to certain things at certain times. You’re falling into your own routines and how you handle stress. You want to just have them sit down and be quiet, but that‘s not always going to happen with kids. Allow space for feelings to happen. As Angie said, an act of reassurance. Also, don’t feel like you have to fix everything right away. Just allow them to “be” for a minute, for anybody in the family to just say, “Yes, you’re right, you should be upset.”

ACM:  Michelle makes a good point. The judging part is easy to do. Some may handle this differently. Some may find this difficult, some may let it roll off their back and say, “Okay, we’ll just make adjustments.” So it can be easy sometimes for loved ones to look at the person who is more stressed about the situation to say, “What’s wrong with you?” So we want to give room for everyone to handle things a little differently based on everyone’s experiences.

KBD:  Absolutely. Those are some great points. And speaking as a mother, the whole needing quiet, oh my goodness! We have two dogs and I’m like [yells and laughter]. So some of the things you traditionally do, like go to the bathroom, everybody needs that space. Can you talk a little about what you suggest? I know you mentioned mindfulness. When people hear that, it feels like too much when you tell them to meditate or be mindful, they feel like it’s too much.

MM:  I try as much as possible to normalize whatever someone does. In other words, “You meditate, that’s fine.” It’s not some formal thing where you need yoga pants or a singing bowl.

At this point I’m going to also address how we’re all kind of being caregivers on steroids right now. Self-care is very important. You need your own boundaries. You have to tell everyone in the family I’m going to bed. The house is on fire, you don’t talk for a while. It’s important that no matter what—”I will spend a minute with my Bible or my music” or whatever that may be. The other thing too is there may be people who live in a small apartment. You can go out with social distancing, the park…spaces you can make. These are conversations, something the quarantine I think has helped—family conversations. So that’s one big thing, setting up routines.

ACM:  I totally agree. I was going to say it in terms of it’s kind of like going to a new job. The routine is different, like Michelle said. Don’t just expect that because we’re family we’re going to fall magically into this. It’s like with a new school, that took planning and discussion like, “Who’s going to take Junior?” so Michelle is absolutely right. For everyone in the house, as a family together, what do we need to do now for the next few weeks, what’s this going to look like? Also, in terms of getting outside, that’s so important anyway. And what that brings to mind for me is, some of these things we’re being challenged with—it is an odd situation obviously—are some of these conversations we were needing to have anyway.  We’re kind of meeting each other and can’t escape [laughs]. That’s a way of looking at this as another opportunity. We’re safe at home, these are opportunities to bring us that much closer. A better understanding of how each of us works, what we need and this can actually strengthen those bonds as a result.

KBD:  Those are things that mothers, fathers, grandmas, whoever it is taking care of kids and each other, that’s we absolutely need. Before we go on break, I want a tip that you use yourself. When that negative thought or that self-thought hits you, because we all have them and we sometimes struggle with it. What is a tip that you can share?

MM:  Well for me because I’m a Christian, I immediately stop and say, you know, this panicked feeling is not from “that”— it’s from some distorted thing you think about yourself, and that really kind of brings me back. It definitely does because there’s been so many blessings in our family and our life. My grandma taught us too is that When you start feeling sorry for yourself, start praying for somebody else. Really for me, it’s just stopping and realizing it’s not real. It’s not real. it’s just something to get me off my square. I even see that as a blessing, to turn a negative into a positive. It causes me to practice what I preach in terms of practicing my own self-care. If I’m teaching my clients and my students how to handle those moments, I have to do that with myself also. I’m home, I’ve got things to look forward to, I have a loving family, goals, that really shuts it all pretty much down. And I have Angie, she gets me straight [laughs], “What is wrong with you? You have no reason…” It works, it definitely works.

ACM:  It was modeled for us, you know, our family. My mom, my great-aunt, my dad, they were always about you blessing your own by blessing somebody else. So they were about seeing about somebody else and how that really shows you how blessed you are. I know for myself, I work a lot from home. It’s not quite so unusual for me as I know it is for many people who are used to leaving the home. Some parts of this might make people feel like, “When is this going to be over?” When that thought comes, there are two things I’d do. The first thing is: Don’t spend time with it. The ruminating, the dwelling, I think is a slippery slope. The second step is to go right to those things Michelle said. The blessings, the positives, and think of doing something that you enjoy doing. Go outside and take a walk, or watch that show. Just go right to something that you enjoy doing.

KBD:  Absolutely! Thank you both so very much for your helpful tips! And thank you all for listening. Always remember to Be Magnificent!

© 2020 The Batchelor Davis Group

Gratitude in Times of Trouble, The Kim B. Davis Show, Episode 1. part 1 (Transcription)

The Kim B. Davis Show

Gratitude in Times of Trouble

A Talk with A.M. May & Associates, Inc.

Part One

KBD:  Welcome to the Kim B. Davis Show! We are talking today with Dr. Angela Celeste May and Michelle May of A.M. May & Associates, a coaching and consulting organization offering customized transformative growth strategies for individuals and organizations. Angela and Michelle are sisters who are both also professional musicians with their own bands.

How are you both today?

MM:  Fantastic. Thanks for having me.

ACM:  Really happy to be here today.

KBD:  Great! We are in the midst of a crisis and I wanted to talk about some of the things that you guys talk about, which is not falling prey to anxiety and depression. Can you give a definition on anxiety and depression and talk about how do we turn negativity into positivity? Many people are feeling depressed, anxious and apprehensive and they’re making bad decisions. I want to talk about hope. Even though we are in quarantine, we are safe at home. We have all the things that make us comfortable. But the one thing we don’t have is human touch. Many of us miss our friends and family but we can touch them with electronic devices, cell phones, but how do we take care of ourselves?

ACM:  I’ll jump in and start. I’m a clinical organizational and forensic psychologist with a Ph.D. in Clinical Organizational Psychology. So, I deal with behavior from a lot of different perspectives. My own definition. I would say depression is more than feeling a little down sometimes, it’s when tangible sadness tends to follow you no matter what you do. It can be a little bit or become a lot of sadness. So that’s a quick simple way to think of depression, a pervasive “down-ness” no matter what you do. And the anxiety can feel like nervousness, even when you don’t have a specific reason. You’re in your home and feel a nervousness and you quite can’t figure out why. I would say one of the first important things to do is try to practice thankfulness. I do find that depression in particular, a lot of the time it grows because of our self-talk. And in this particular time of the pandemic, a lot of the anxiety is because we feel like we don’t have control. I would say the first place to start is “What can I do to take back feelings of powerless?” and find positive things you can do, and just like you said, Kim, say, “I’m safe, I have a home, etc.” As our grandma used to say, “You can’t be depressed and thankful at the same time.” [laughs]

MM:  Amen! Amen! So I’ll jump in here, too. What I would say is, the sense of control is definitely what I find in depression and nervousness. There’s something there intangible you can’t see that’s making you feel this way. One of the things I talk to my clients about and my students that helps is that you’re not completely out of control. There are many things right in your purview that you can control. Many times—and I was actually experiencing  this a couple of days ago—I was talking to Angie when all of a sudden I started to feel a little bit like I couldn’t breathe. She said, “Sometimes when you’re excited, it mimics anxiety.” We talked about meditation, stopping for a minute, sitting down and just putting your mind and mindfulness on that breathing. Sometimes you just need to stop and just do that. There is a popular method, the 54321 method and how it works is that you look at things, you can see things, you can feel things. Ask the person having anxiety: “What are 5 things that you can see and stop for a minute. Then, “Name 4 things that you can touch, 3 things you can hear right now, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.” Gratefulness…Angie and I always talk about that. You can feel those things and it helps to quell that in the moment.

KBD:  Those are some great tips. So, we’re all quarantined in our homes, you have married couples. What do you advise people to do if someone in your home is feeling anxious? Access to control and not being able to go places?

ACM:  There are things that family members can do for each other before even reaching out for help. You know how we say don’t overexplain when talking to kids? You know how we create a whole book about how we’re going to explain things to Junior and all Junior wanted to know was something simple right quick? [laughs] I think that we should do the same with each other as adults. First, just ask. Give them room to talk about what may be bothering them. Is it about being quarantined together or some aspect of that, or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Ask and listen. That might be healing, just knowing that someone is listening. It’s loving, it’s supportive. We’ve all experienced this. I’m sure you have as well. You know how it is when you start to talk? You may get a little insight just from having room to talk. That’s what I think of as a first step.

MM:  I would definitely agree with that. Just be reassuring and not judgmental. There’s going to be a lot of stress an depression and anxiety within the household because we are not in our routines. Especially with our young ones, they’re used to certain things at certain times. You’re falling into your own routines and how you handle stress. You want to just have them sit down and be quiet, but that‘s not always going to happen with kids. Allow space for feelings to happen. As Angie said, an act of reassurance. Also, don’t feel like you have to fix everything right away. Just allow them to “be” for a minute, for anybody in the family to just say, “Yes, you’re right, you should be upset.”

ACM:  Michelle makes a good point. The judging part is easy to do. Some may handle this differently. Some may find this difficult, some may let it roll off their back and say, “Okay, we’ll just make adjustments.” So it can be easy sometimes for loved ones to look at the person who is more stressed about the situation to say, “What’s wrong with you?” So we want to give room for everyone to handle things a little differently based on everyone’s experiences.

KBD:  Absolutely. Those are some great points. And speaking as a mother, the whole needing quiet, oh my goodness! We have two dogs and I’m like [yells and laughter]. So some of the things you traditionally do, like go to the bathroom, everybody needs that space. Can you talk a little about what you suggest? I know you mentioned mindfulness. When people hear that, it feels like too much when you tell them to meditate or be mindful, they feel like it’s too much.

MM:  I try as much as possible to normalize whatever someone does. In other words, “You meditate, that’s fine.” It’s not some formal thing where you need yoga pants or a singing bowl.

At this point I’m going to also address how we’re all kind of being caregivers on steroids right now. Self-care is very important. You need your own boundaries. You have to tell everyone in the family I’m going to bed. The house is on fire, you don’t talk for a while. It’s important that no matter what—”I will spend a minute with my Bible or my music” or whatever that may be. The other thing too is there may be people who live in a small apartment. You can go out with social distancing, the park…spaces you can make. These are conversations, something the quarantine I think has helped—family conversations. So that’s one big thing, setting up routines.

ACM:  I totally agree. I was going to say it in terms of it’s kind of like going to a new job. The routine is different, like Michelle said. Don’t just expect that because we’re family we’re going to fall magically into this. It’s like with a new school, that took planning and discussion like, “Who’s going to take Junior?” so Michelle is absolutely right. For everyone in the house, as a family together, what do we need to do now for the next few weeks, what’s this going to look like? Also, in terms of getting outside, that’s so important anyway. And what that brings to mind for me is, some of these things we’re being challenged with—it is an odd situation obviously—are some of these conversations we were needing to have anyway.  We’re kind of meeting each other and can’t escape [laughs]. That’s a way of looking at this as another opportunity. We’re safe at home, these are opportunities to bring us that much closer. A better understanding of how each of us works, what we need and this can actually strengthen those bonds as a result.

KBD:  Those are things that mothers, fathers, grandmas, whoever it is taking care of kids and each other, that’s we absolutely need. Before we go on break, I want a tip that you use yourself. When that negative thought or that self-thought hits you, because we all have them and we sometimes struggle with it. What is a tip that you can share?

MM:  Well for me because I’m a Christian, I immediately stop and say, you know, this panicked feeling is not from “that”— it’s from some distorted thing you think about yourself, and that really kind of brings me back. It definitely does because there’s been so many blessings in our family and our life. My grandma taught us too is that When you start feeling sorry for yourself, start praying for somebody else. Really for me, it’s just stopping and realizing it’s not real. It’s not real. it’s just something to get me off my square. I even see that as a blessing, to turn a negative into a positive. It causes me to practice what I preach in terms of practicing my own self-care. If I’m teaching my clients and my students how to handle those moments, I have to do that with myself also. I’m home, I’ve got things to look forward to, I have a loving family, goals, that really shuts it all pretty much down. And I have Angie, she gets me straight [laughs], “What is wrong with you? You have no reason…” It works, it definitely works.

ACM:  It was modeled for us, you know, our family. My mom, my great-aunt, my dad, they were always about you blessing your own by blessing somebody else. So they were about seeing about somebody else and how that really shows you how blessed you are. I know for myself, I work a lot from home. It’s not quite so unusual for me as I know it is for many people who are used to leaving the home. Some parts of this might make people feel like, “When is this going to be over?” When that thought comes, there are two things I’d do. The first thing is: Don’t spend time with it. The ruminating, the dwelling, I think is a slippery slope. The second step is to go right to those things Michelle said. The blessings, the positives, and think of doing something that you enjoy doing. Go outside and take a walk, or watch that show. Just go right to something that you enjoy doing.

KBD:  Absolutely! Thank you both so very much for your helpful tips! And thank you all for listening. Always remember to Be Magnificent!

© 2020 The Batchelor Davis Group

Pandemic: Anxiety, Depression, and Purpose

We are officially in a pandemic and the world is gripped in fear, yet filled with positivity despite this tiny microcosm that has captivated all of us. Over a million cases of the virus have been reported from around the planet. In the United States, we are watching with trepidation as the numbers climb and although we are practicing social distancing and staying home, people are still coming down with the illness. The virus is difficult at best to treat because of age, underlying conditions, and the overall health status of individuals.

This has caused a great deal of anxiety and pushed people into depression. Although social distancing is what aids in lessening the ability for the virus to spread, it also harms us in reaching out to others. We’re unable to hug one another or have close contact, however with the aid of technology, we can video chat, stream movies together and have dance parties that can alleviate our feeling isolated. To fight through depression, we have to be creative in reaching out to others. Moreover, we have to be intentional in checking on others. Depression is an insidious condition, which makes people retreat inside themselves, twists their thoughts and takes people to a dark place. This new behavior is the exact opposite of what people need to be healthy and whole. Unfortunately, for people who have lost loved ones, funerals are a lonely prospect where one has to grieve alone. Besides, weddings, which are jubilant celebrations, are pared down to just immediate family, if appropriate and the happy couple; also births have become solo ventures as well because of the fear of the coronavirus.

Rules, regulations and general norms it is so much to remember it can overwhelm anyone; however, we have to remember that we are safe at home surrounded by all of our creature comforts. We are safe, we are loved, we are happy and God is still in control. Greater than everything is that we all are at peace; yes, there is fear and frustration over finances, dread over the spread of the virus, and alarm over what the future may hold because so much of it is unknown. It’s all understandable and real. However, I choose to remember Psalms 29:11 “The Lord will give strength to his people; The Lord will bless his people with peace.”

I know that my strength and peace comes from God, nowhere else. It can’t be found in material things, money or people. It’s found in God and keeping my focus on things above and not below, which means focusing on Godly principals, like doing good unto others, studying the word and using my skills and talents for God’s people. It is not to say that I can’t pursue my desires, they should be aligned with what God says. Money is not the big bad that everyone says, it is the pursuit of it at the cost of your fellow man that is. For me, my purpose is to build awareness around depression, mental health, and storytelling. Even amidst the pandemic my writing and communication skills allow me to still share hope about the battle with depression.

Psalms 16:11 “You will make known to me the path of life; In your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Indeed peace is found in God, when we remember what’s truly important, our faith, family and friends. May you continue to be safe and have good health.