My Muse has Returned

A few hours can certainly make a difference. Having just given birth it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me. The darkness that had seemed to hover over me for so several months has seemingly gone away. It’s refreshing to wake up happy and hopeful again. My new bundle of joy a happy, bouncing baby boy is simply adorable. He smiles — yes he’s just a day old and he’s smiling. He coos and loves to cuddle. All this happiness and love is exactly what I needed, but my imagination has kicked in at overdrive.

My protective maternal nature is going through a tailspin. Vampires, aliens, weird monsters and other threats permeate my dreams threatening harm against my little one. Each and every time it has been me doing battle with some vile creature to protect my child. One might be concerned about these type of dreams, but I’m not. Whenever I experience great stress, good or bad I always have dreams where I battle something. The good thing is I save my baby and not allow something bad to happen to him. That’s the difference between where I have come from and where I am now.

Then just as quickly as the danger passes I dream of some other weird thing that might translate into a story idea for one of my novels or screenplays. The ideas are rolling out once again and my little black idea book is overflowing with potential plots. The good thing is now I can begin a new piece to help me get back on point. I haven’t written or worked on anything since the last week before my son was born.

A writer must write each and every day. I look forward to getting back to writing. God willing my short story will be ready by the end of the year. Its almost complete and I’m so excited for it to be released online. Thank God my depression has lifted and my creative muse has returned. Happy writing all. Let’s tell some great stories.

It’s been very difficult for me to write

Last year in 2011, I thought I was on my way to a new an exciting writing opportunity. Things finally seemed to be going my way and then I was slammed with the news that I was pregnant. Now ordinarily most people would jump for joy. I’m happily married with one child, but deep down a resentment began to build that all the hope and promise that I felt was somehow being taken away from me.

Last December, I made some great connections with some industry people locally here in Michigan and I had plans to attend two writer’s conferences. Alas, it was not meant to be. For the last nine months I have battled depression, specifically pre-natal depression because I just couldn’t wrap my head around having another baby. My first son whom I adore and I couldn’t imagine life without is the blessing that I prayed for when my husband and I decided to have a child a few years ago. Now mind you, my favorite fairytale is Cinderella, but I never wanted children until I was about 37. Most people would say that is too old to have a kid, but I have always been a late bloomer. From menstrual cycles to breast development to an interest in boys I was always the last one in. I was always much too interested in books and faraway lands to have an interest. My great- grandmother had to reassure me that I wouldn’t be deformed because only one of my breasts had developed. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t like everybody else, but later I learned it’s great to be different because there’s only one me.

So when I found out that I was pregnant my very organized and planned out schedule became disjointed, unhinged and very uncertain. Part of my uncertainty is support. My Parents are dead and so are my husband’s parents and grandparents. We have no family really that can support us outside of our great friends who help as much as they can. I have one 92 year old grandmother left, but she has Alzheimer’s so its become more of the family’s job to take care of her than vice-versa. So my beautiful son has no grandparents or real connection to the family outside of our nuclear family. I felt like a family of three would be perfect. We could manage and more importantly, I could check off having a baby, especially since I had decided definatively that I did not want anymore children. But here I am at a crossroads, a few days from giving birth and I am expecting another boy who I now understand is not here for me, but for my son.

For the last few months I have been so angry bothered by the fact that somehow this child would interrupt my life I never took the time to see how this may be a good thing for our family. This anger is what has kept me from writing. I haven’t been able to string a coherent sentence together or complete a project. In running my own business I have suffered through issues with clients who can’t pay based on agreements and other issues with clients who have been less than trustworthy or honest in their dealings, but expect miracles from me in event planning. This year has been an eye-opening experience to say the least. Finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I have been depressed because I was in denial about that, too. I confided in my husband a few months ago, but he thought I was being overly dramatic. I have a tendency to do that sometimes, too. So I sucked it up and bottled up my feelings because no one could understand how I felt.

Then a few weeks later an article crossed my desk about pre-natal depression. I read it and was shocked to learn that this author had captured what I had been feeling completely. The lack of support, feeling alone, angry and indifferent to being pregnant. I showed my husband and best friend the article and both immediately understood what I had been saying. It was no longer something just in my head. It was real. The weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I felt like myself again. In the last week I completed the edits on my short story and screenplay. It feels great to be able to write and create again. For so long the anger had blocked it.  It’s true what they say if something is not adressed or right in your life everything else suffers. For me it was my writing and relationships. Now that I can actually say that I have accomplished somethings I feel better about myself. I can also say I look forward to meeting my new son and I pray that this is the beginning of something new and special in my life.