The expectations of a wife and mother are a huge responsibility. So much is placed on the shoulders of women. Taking care of a home, caring for children, pleasing your husband are just a few of the many duties that most wives and mothers tackle. If you attend church, mosque or a temple there are responsibilities for women as well. If you work outside of the home or volunteer there are expectations, also. So many expectations what is a woman to do?
I’m not sure, but I do know that public perceptions can be very helpful or can become a hinderance to a woman in this role. Lately, I have been reading lots of articles on the state of Mothers, Wives and Marriage. A lot of people have a lot to say on the subject. Everyone seems to be in agreement that many mothers put this immense amount of pressure on themselves to be perfect. I used to believe that I didn’t, but now I feel like I’m in a competition with so many others.
The looks from others when one of my children makes a tantrum, cries for attention or says something flippant and I feel the stinging glares from people. My husband says that I’m imagining things, but I really do feel like people are judging me. Most days I struggle to get where I’m going on time and I feel like all I do is rush around all day and accomplish nothing. For me this makes me feel like a complete and utter failure because I never finish anything or I am always rushing at the last-minute to complete something. (this isn’t me-I like to plan everything out.)
My expectation of what I thought that my life would be like is so far off its not even funny. I’m not where I want to be career wise, my husband and I have both changed and my children leave me in a state of feeling confused all the time. I understand now when people say kids change your relationship. They test it, break it , but hopefully your strong enough to put it back together. Honestly I can’t say that I am. My husband and I are in a strange place. It’s like we’re on autopilot just going through the motions. At least that’s how I feel.
Which is how I feel with everything else going on in my life. My three problems -1. Exhaustion 2. Disconnected from myself 3. Depression make the rest of my life feel like a silent movie reel running and I’m just standing there watching it unfold. I have trouble making decisions and then sticking with the ones that I do make, which brings me to the crux of my issues. I really feel like I’m filled with regret and becoming bitter and more bitter with each passing day. An unplanned pregnancy through for a loop even though I’m married and stable.
I’m working on a book project for a young man and his auto-biography is filled with tales of abuse as a child, neglect by a parent and an unfit home. I thought that if anything could pull me from the depths of baby blues and depression this should be it. As I weave the words to his story I feel terrible for feeling the way that I feel, I should be grateful that my children are healthy and happy and that I have a great husband, but then I remember my feelings are valid and not the result of drug use or abuse. It’s okay to feel sad, but that I have to stop wallowing in my guilt, anger and fear. My biggest issue is not having control. No control over my finances, which is in direct relation to my current disappointment with my career and disappointment in where my life is right now. Should I have gone to law school–become an attorney and been miserable like everyone else, but at least I wouldn’t worry about money. I always believed that there is more to life than money. That’s where my problem lies. I don’t know about you, but I need my happy back.
I’m not really sure where, how or when I will get it back, but believe me I’m going to get it back. As I write these words I’m pushing myself toward a space of acceptance, peace and happiness in decisions, my life and career. It’s so hard with so many things being thrown at you at one time –all the while you’re supposed to look good and still be able to do the things that you did before you had kids. I find myself not being able to groom myself the same. Ponytails and lip gloss are my go to’s. Whereas mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lipstick were my go to’s. Heels have lost out to flats or gym shoes and nail polish is just non-existent.
That’s the disconnect–I don’t feel like myself. I second and triple guess everything never sure of anything. My big project that I’m working on is suffering because I have trouble making decisions and then after one is made and it doesn’t work I leave feeling regretful. This pushes me further into my depression.
I told my client something has to go right so that I can feel good about this project. He keeps telling me that I’m doing fine, but as I told my girlfriend I’d fire myself if I could, but alas I can’t and probably shouldn’t that might send me over the edge for real.
I just feel like I’m coasting not really sure of what I’m doing, but everybody tells me I’m doing a good job. I guess at the end of the day I have to feel good about being a wife,mother and Kim. Right now that’s not happening, but I’m hoping to get back to a good place. With prayer, therapy and possibly some alone time slowly I will get my happy back. If you’re struggling–find some time for yourself because no one’s going to treat you any better than you will treat yourself.