The Perfect Mama

Miles and Aiden are my absolute joy and my struggle. Each day is a challenge. As a professional I pride myself on being able to master many tasks, but dare I say Parenthood is not one of them.
Recently, I went back to therapy and asked the Dr. “Is there something wrong with me?”
He replied, “No all mothers go through anxiety, confusion and struggle to adjust.”
After spending a quiet holiday with my immediate family and my brother I realized my wounds from childhood have reopened. The motto “Children should be seen and not heard” was my parent’s battle cry.
My brother confirmed to me what I always believed that it was better to be silent and suffer than speak up and face retribution. I have been so afraid of messing my children up for fear of making a mistake that I’ve neglected to just be their parent.
A friend of mine said, “Kim, you’re the perfect mama to Miles and Aiden, in their eyes, but in reality you’ll make mistakes, however they’ll never know because you’re all they have. And it’s okay just remember that you’re not alone.
Barbara doesn’t realize how much I needed to hear that. As mothers we have to stop comparing ourselves, criticizing ourselves and allow us to just be human. Because that’s all that we are. We’re just fallible, flawed people who have an incredibly important job in trying to raise, teach and prepare another human to be an adult and responsible citizen.
It’s already so difficult with all the judgements and critiques from society. Although at the end of the day you have to be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished as a parent.
I’ll be the first to say I have no clue as to what I’m doing, but I’m managing as best as I can. My children love me and respect me. My husband praises me on my performance. I just have to believe in myself and remember that my wounds are in the past and they can no longer hurt me. I must not give them power and from that use the knowledge of what not to do and turn it into positive behavior to help push my children forward. I’m a Mom not a TV superhero. My children believe that I’m a superhero sometimes and that’s okay, but I am learning my limitations and its all good. I don’t want to be a perfect mama. I just want to be me, flawed, happy and at peace with it all.

The Motherhood Experience

Motherhood is a journey, not a destination. It is an individualized path, an experience that will be as unique to the mother as fingerprints are to humans. This is an experience that should be shared, embraced and celebrated. No mother should ever feel alone on this journey no matter the circumstances, whether rich or poor, having a husband, boyfriend, partner, family support or the lack there of.  But many women suffer in silence each and every day with depression, stress, violence and simply no help.

No woman should have to face motherhood or life alone. As women, we can support each other in positive, pro-active ways. I write this because in the last few months, its been very difficult for me, although I have a husband and friends. Two weeks ago, a very talented musician, whom I didn’t know, but many of my friends did know committed suicide leaving our community in shock and disbelief. Several asked, “How could this happen? Why didn’t anyone know?” The answer is simple he suffered in silence. On Facebook, friends shared their shock, prayers for the family, and reasons why people should never resort to this last course of action. I admitted in the same conversation stream that I had been suffering quietly for a year and a half with postpartum depression.

Another person quickly chimed in that she had experienced depression and had put the mask on trying to fake it until things get better. I reiterated that I did that all the time. Its my coping mechanism, although it’s not the most effective emotional management tool, it gets me through.

However, after having almost lost my house, and nearly pushing my husband and my children away, almost losing my sanity I have decided that a new approach is best. Besides at my lowest point, the only force that could help me was God,whether, you believe in him or not, that’s who saved me. I thought I understood what people meant by going through trials and tribulations, having a testimony or going through something, but I really didn’t understand it fully until I went through something. Those who’ve experienced a time in their life that changed them understand this better than most.

What I realize more than anything is that I should not be dealing with my feelings and emotions all by myself. Therapy, prayer, time with girlfriends is well spent to help me recover and get back on track. I have great friends, who unfortunately I didn’t turn to because I felt like I could solve my problems on my own or their problems were bigger than mine. Many people who suffer through depression feel this way, especially mothers who have to battle “The kids are a blessing…you just need to get over it” mindset.

I– like others I’m sure battled the same personal demons–there’s something wrong with me because I’m not happy with my kids, but I believe that the problem lies not in the children, but in the notion of what motherhood is. If people are honest about it Motherhood is not for the faint of heart, its difficult, time consuming, exhausting, but so very rewarding and there are no easy or right answers to many situations.

You learn and earn your warrior mother stripes with children. When I first became a Mom, I envisioned battling mythical threats (intruders, robbers, killers) to protect my son. Praise God nothing ever happened, but immediately I became a protective tigress over my baby cub. No one tells you that about becoming a Mom. I thought I was a weirdo because I have a such a vivid imagination. Who knew.

My female friends have been very supportive in sharing information, their struggles, their triumphs and their fears with me. I am now doing the same and finding out we are all experiencing the same amount of angst in varied degrees. My mission is now to form a support group for mothers who are suffering through depression and share my story of hurt, fear, anger and triumph. Prayerfully, someone can be reached through the sharing of information and not continue to suffer in silence anymore.

Motherhood its a journey. You get there when you get there, whatever way you travel.

 

 

Gratitude: A Mother’s blessing

Being grateful is something everyone should feel each and every day for something good that happens to them. For most people many would say to wake up alive is all the blessing that one needs.

I say waking up to another day, no matter the circumstances( and things can get pretty bad) having good health, a healthy family, having a home, and friends that love you are wonderful things to be grateful for. 2014 has been an extremely trying year, although we’re only in the first quarter of the year. My family is still struggling, my friends are struggling and my city is struggling–it seems as if there is no end in sight to the pain.

A blessing has come my way, however it has come with a myriad of pitfalls, slow starts and hang ups, causing me to wonder if it’s really a blessing at all. I understand the saying for real now “You never know how strong you are until you go through something.” I also, learned who I could count on when the going gets real tough.

May God continue to watch over and keep my friends blessed. Through my friendship with them my family and I have been blessed. This puts a smile on my face, although the struggle is still there and that’s the heart of it. Although I may continue to struggle my outlook can be that of gratitude for what I do have, my two sons, my husband and my friends.

No matter what you have, money, homes, cars, other material things nothing matters as much as those closest to you.

I’m seeking counseling again to help with my postpartum depression and taking pro-active steps to remedy my struggles. It’s hard, each and every day to be positive, but my faith demands it. My family is worth it and so am I.

Each day look for the positive things that surround you and when you begin to count those more than the negative you will see an improvement in your outlook. I have seen one in mine, but it is a conscious effort each day to try to see. What are the blessings in your life? Do they outweigh the negatives?

 

 

Breast Feeding and the Hormones are really the cause

A year and a half has passed and I can finally say that I’m really understanding what sent me over the edge with my depression. I have attached an article that discusses the link between breastfeeding and depression.

I breast-fed both of my sons and they are thriving. Thank God, I’m so thankful for that, but I do think that the issue of exhaustion, lack of family support and financial strain caused many of my triggers, which led to my depression. I feel like I’ve lived inside a tornado of spiraling and whirling that’s completely mixed up my life. It seems as if I’ve had more than my fair share of trouble, heartbreak, disappointment and sadness.

Finally, as Dr. Phil would say “Get Real” with your life. The things and people who I’ve been chasing I’m trying to let go because it’s just not worth it anymore. I’m turning my focus back to God and my family.

I don’t know how my current situation is going to play out, but I do pray that God works things out for me because I’m exhausted and truly understand that I don’t control anything.

I have to remember that I’m responsible for me and that’s it. My psyche has definitely taken a hit. I struggle to make decisions, move forward or even pursue a dream because I feel so stuck.

That’s what led me to where I am today. The feeling of being stuck in the mud. How could I possibly take care of another child when I don’t have anyone in my family willing to help me or even offer advice. How am I supposed to be a help mate to my husband when I haven’t even been able to contribute monetarily to our household. These are questions that plagued me before I had my second son. I thought that God had abandoned me because clearly my family has, but that’s another story. Abandon may be too strong of a word, but they’re not there and that is the bottom line.

I should be angry and hateful, but really I just want to move on with my life and do what God has shown me. He has shown me twice that I’m a writer and quite successful at it in the future. I just wish that could come now instead of later.

Not having family support increased my exhaustion levels, a dearth of financial resources sent my nerves over the edge with constant worry and my own everyday worries tipped my mental ship. Rage, fury and anger occupied my body while Aiden developed. The blessing is that he’s healthy because of it. No one really understands how much I didn’t want another child, but as always God knows what’s best.

Through my current situation I realize that the family that I so longed for is right in front of me. I have the power to shape it and be the example that I’ve always looked for. Having children is truly a blessing, but it’s also the hardest job that any parent will ever take on.I had no idea on the level of commitment that would be needed.

Mothers and Fathers have to be valued, loved and supported because they are caring for someone who will grow up and become a part of our society. Too many times I hear the negative comments deriding parents about their kids noise levels or a mother’s decision to work or not. It’s a shame because at the end of the day every person at some point in time had a parent, whether you want to admit it or not.

Treat parents nicely because one day you may end up becoming one and needing a helping hand. Trust me when no one’s there that’s a very lonely feeling.I don’t wish that on anyone. If you are a parent and struggling know that there is help available. You may have to search for it, but someone is going through the same thing that you are. Have hope and faith that things will work out.

http://www.postpartumprogress.com/postpartum-depression-and-breastfeeding-challenges-the-connection

A Mother’s Expectations

The expectations of a wife and mother are a huge responsibility. So much is placed on the shoulders of women. Taking care of a home, caring for children, pleasing your husband are just a few of the many duties that most wives and mothers tackle. If you attend church, mosque or a temple there are responsibilities for women as well. If you work outside of the home or volunteer there are expectations, also. So many expectations what is a woman to do?

I’m not sure, but I do know that public perceptions can be very helpful or can become a hinderance to a woman in this role. Lately, I have been reading lots of articles on the state of Mothers, Wives and Marriage. A lot of people have a lot to say on the subject. Everyone seems to be in agreement that many mothers put this immense amount of pressure on themselves to be perfect. I used to believe that I didn’t, but now I feel like I’m in a competition with so many others.

The looks from others when one of my children makes a tantrum, cries for attention or says something flippant and I feel the stinging glares from people. My husband says that I’m imagining things, but I really do feel like people are judging me. Most days I struggle to get where I’m going on time and I feel like all I do is rush around all day and accomplish nothing. For me this makes me feel like a complete and utter failure because I never finish anything or I am always rushing at the last-minute to complete something. (this isn’t me-I like to plan everything out.)

My expectation of what I thought that my life would be like is so far off its not even funny. I’m not where I want to be career wise, my husband and I have both changed and my children leave me in a state of feeling confused all the time. I understand now when people say kids change your relationship. They test it, break it , but hopefully your strong enough to put it back together. Honestly I can’t say that I am. My husband and I are in a strange place. It’s like we’re on autopilot just going through the motions. At least that’s how I feel.

Which is how I feel with everything else going on in my life. My three problems -1. Exhaustion 2. Disconnected from myself 3. Depression make the rest of my life feel like a silent movie reel running and I’m just standing there watching it unfold. I have trouble making decisions and then sticking with the ones that I do make, which brings me to the crux of my issues. I really feel like I’m filled with regret and becoming bitter and more bitter with each passing day. An unplanned pregnancy through for a loop even though I’m married and stable.

I’m working on a book project for a young man and his auto-biography is filled with tales of abuse as a child, neglect by a parent and an unfit home. I thought that if anything could pull me from the depths of baby blues and depression this should be it. As I weave the words to his story I feel terrible for feeling the way that I feel, I should be grateful that my children are healthy and happy and that I have a great husband, but then I remember my feelings are valid and not the result of drug use or abuse. It’s okay to feel sad, but that I have to stop wallowing in my guilt, anger and fear. My biggest issue is not having control. No control over my finances, which is in direct relation to my current disappointment with my career and disappointment in where my life is right now. Should I have gone to law school–become an attorney and been miserable like everyone else, but at least I wouldn’t worry about money. I always believed that there is more to life than money. That’s where my problem lies. I don’t know about you, but I need my happy back.

I’m not really sure where, how or when I will get it back, but believe me I’m going to get it back. As I write these words I’m pushing myself toward a space of acceptance, peace and happiness in decisions, my life and career. It’s so hard with so many things being thrown at you at one time –all the while you’re supposed to look good and still be able to do the things that you did before you had kids. I find myself not being able to groom myself the same. Ponytails and lip gloss are my go to’s. Whereas mascara, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lipstick were my go to’s. Heels have lost out to flats or gym shoes and nail polish is just non-existent.

That’s the disconnect–I don’t feel like myself. I second and triple guess everything never sure of anything. My big project that I’m working on is suffering because I have trouble making decisions and then after one is made and it doesn’t work I leave feeling regretful. This pushes me further into my depression.

I told my client something has to go right so that I can feel good about this project. He keeps telling me that I’m doing fine, but as I told my girlfriend I’d fire myself if I could, but alas I can’t and probably shouldn’t that might send me over the edge for real.

I just feel like I’m coasting not really sure of what I’m doing, but everybody tells me I’m doing a good job. I guess at the end of the day I have to feel good about being a wife,mother and Kim. Right now that’s not happening, but I’m hoping to get back to a good place. With prayer, therapy and possibly some alone time slowly I will get my happy back. If you’re struggling–find some time for yourself because no one’s going to treat you any better than you will treat yourself.